Home?

There’s always a bit of unexpected culture shock when I return to Canada and although I am still (and will always be) 100% Canadian in my heart, each time I return I feel slightly more disconnected from my home and native land. I’ve learned to, not so much accept, but deal with the cultural idiosyncrasies of Japan that I don’t understand or agree with but I still don’t feel wholeheartedly that Japan is my home.

So, if Canada isn’t home and Japan isn’t home, I guess it really is true what they say, “home is where the heart is” and my heart is (devoted) to continuing to grow as a person and loving and caring for myself and my close friends and family who just so happen to be spread across the globe. I guess there is a piece of my heart everywhere.

I’m a bit overwhelmed by a feeling of nostalgia as I sit at YVR which is a beautiful airport I might add. My nostalgia is mixed with a touch of sadness as I see and recognize Canadian items and snacks and yet am craving for something Japanese, even just to speak Japanese. Even though I can barely carry on a conversation I miss the comfort of only understanding parts of conversations. I feel overwhelmed with information about the people around me, people who are not a part of my life except for this short passing in the airport, on the airplane, I may very well understand less why Canadians do the things they do than the reasoning behind the things that Japanese people do.

I have been back in Japan for just over a week now but still don’t feel settled. In fact, I feel exactly the opposite. I am in the midst of the realization that I don’t quite fit in back home nor do I quite fit here. This phenomena was brought to my attention a few months ago by a friend as I struggled with some major life decisions. Simply put, I am in limbo which is a state in which many ex-pats in many different countries have felt at one time or another. I have to admit that I have been resisting to “fit in” with Japanese society which is simply due to a fear of losing myself, the essence which makes me who I am. I’m also very stubborn. I’m learning that “fitting in” is not so black and white, it is possible to find your place without losing yourself.